Always Gold
by ColdSideOfTheWorld
Summary: "It had been thirteen years since I saw him last, and now I was staring at him across the room. And everything came back to me; Tommy Conlon had grown into a man"
1. Chapter 1

_This is home, and all that I need  
But for you, this place is shame  
But you can blame me when there's no one left to blame_  
- Always Golden, Radical Face

It had been thirteen years since I saw him last, and now I was staring at him across the room. And everything came back to me; Tommy Conlon had grown into a man. But to me he will always be that same angry and scared boy hiding in my bedroom when his folks where arguing. He would always be Thomas to me.

My gut turned when he came closer, I didn't know if I was going to pass out or throw up, my hand clutched onto the seat of my chair while I gazed over at Franklin, my fiancé.  
He was too busy chatting with my mother, unusually she was a complete bitch to him, but get a couple of drinks in her and she is Hitler's best friend.  
My gaze shifted down to my shoes, I regretted coming here tonight, to Paddy's birthday, I loved Paddy like my own old man, so I felt a certain obligation to make an appearance, but personally I felt like it was too much to ask of me. Especially with our past and Tommy back in town again, which Paddy knew very well of.

-"Can I talk to you?" Tommy looked down at me sitting in my chair, I forced my head up, I didn't want to, his voice murmured like it used to when he was trying to be serious.  
This sharpness hit my side as I stood up, following him into the kitchen and I knew this was a bad idea, I felt it in my bones. All of this coming back to Pittsburgh, I should have stayed in New York!

-"What do you want?" I asked him even before he had shut the door to the kitchen; I just wanted this over with, painless as possible.  
He walked passed me, the scent of him hit me again, it was so familiar, like I was back again thirteen years prior leaning my head on his chest while we lay in my bed, talking about the future, that we knew would mean nothing, but meant everything to us then and there. His hands would travel down my back and up again, while he played with my hair. He loved my long hair, many reasons why I cut it short before I left.

-"Did you get that?" his voice broke through my moment, I shook my head.  
-"No, sorry, what did you say?"  
-"I know I have no right to demand that you to care, but could you at least listen"  
-"I said I was sorry" I hissed at him, he bit his lower lip, I saw that he was getting pissed off, Tommy's temper was just as short as Paddy's when he got cross.

-"Jesus, I don't know how to say this" his hand brushed up his short shaved head and back down again, while cutting eye contact with me, then regained it after he found his words again.  
-"I am sorry, I am sorry I left you thirteen years ago, I am sorry I never called, send you a fucking letter or was there for you when you" he stopped, I didn't want him to finish the sentence.

-"Its fine" I covered it up, -"It's alright, I forgive you, I`m gonna go find my husband now"  
-"Fiancé" he corrected me.  
-"Thank you for your apology, Thomas" I said pushing myself backwards to the door, nodding my head, as a signal that everything was okay, but really it was just me wanting to get the hell out of this kitchen.  
-"You are still the only one that calls me by my full name" he smiled kindly, I hated him for what he was doing, I didn't want him to smile, I just wanted him to say his goodbyes and go away.

-"You always liked my name" he added.  
-"Don't do that" the words just dropped out of me, -"Just stop doing that"  
-"What, being nice to you?"  
-"Yes, just go on being a fucking asshole like always"  
Tommy started laughing, not in a sarcastic way, I felt like this was going to be a brawl, and already regretting letting those words slip out of my mouth.

-"You gave me so much shit" I stopped him in the middle of the sentence, putting my hands up in the air,  
-"I am sorry, you are completely right, that was thirteen years ago, I won't judge, I am sorry, are we done now, I really should go try and find my husband"  
-"Fiancé" Tommy corrected me for the second time and I hissed,  
-"Whatever"  
Tommy turned away a little, in clear aggravation, mumbling under his breath,  
-"You where always great at breaking my balls"  
-"Yeah, that's exactly all I have ever been good at, Thomas, being a pain in your ass, except for now I am not your problem anymore, Franklin's gotta deal with me, so if you can excuse me"

He put his hand up, signaling that I can leave, but like Tommy, he always had to have the last word in everything, -"Just wait until he finds out about our kid" he whispered so quietly that he probably thought I wouldn't hear him.

-"What?!" I turned around, now completely lit, I was sure that I would slap him for that remark alone.  
-"You haven't told your perfect husband about our baby girl have you?"  
-"Don't you fucking dare talk about her" I screamed at him, stepping so close that I didn't even notice the lack of personal space,  
-"Don't you dare mention her, she was my child, not yours"

-"Really, last time I checked you needed two people to make a baby, and since I was the only one sleeping with you at that time, I most defiantly can mention her"  
-"She wasn't yours" I smiled to him coyly, Tommy smiled back, like he was reading my bluff,  
-"You gonna lie to now, Jess, just to protect your Hank"  
-"Franklin" I hissed, correcting him,  
-"And no, I am not protecting him, I'm trying to have a fucking life, Tommy, a normal life, so if I say she wasn't yours, she wasn't yours"

-"Fine, you might have fucked someone like Hank, while I was gone in the Marines" he continued to smile, -"So, she's all yours, precious little Daisy"

My hand stuck his face at that last sentence, it made an echoing through the kitchen, Tommy touched his jaw, laughing sarcastically, -"Damn, that almost hurt, wanna try again?"  
-"Fuck you Tommy, just FUCK YOU" I screamed, knowing that everyone outside this kitchen probably heard me, but I didn't give a care in the world about it, I stormed to the door, ready to leave.

-"Was she pretty? Our little girl, from what pops told me, he said she had my eyes and my chin, so I guess she had more of me in her, then you" his voice rang in my ears, and I felt the anger overflowing. I was so angry that tears had started forming in eyes, clouding my sight.

I turned gripping my hands, forming them into fists, Tommy was still smiling that content, smug smile, while his tongue ran over his front teeth, -"There she is, Jesse, the raging bitch, I knew I would find you in there, if I pushed hard enough"

-"You son of a bitch" I yelled out so loud that my voice broke at the last part and lounged after him, pushing him hard into the cupboards behind him, knocking over the glasses in Paddy's kitchen, I kicked him, and hit him in the way I had tried to forget: a fighters way.  
Tommy defended himself, trying to get a hold of me, any part of me; I had punched him in the face twice, leaving him with a bloody cheek. –"Calm down" he said, when he turned me against him, holding a grip around my shoulders. He breathed into my ear, -"calm down"

People where now storming into the kitchen, caused by the raucous, I was stupid enough to let this go so far that I would be discovered in this stage. I didn't want anyone to see me this angry, especially not Franklin.

-"Jesus Christ" I heard him curse, Tommy had released me, and Franklin got me, he lead me out of the kitchen, but not without me trying myself on Tommy again, pouncing back at him. Franklin grabbed me by my waistline, -"Stop it Jesse, please"

-"Stay the fuck away from me, Thomas, you hear me, or I will kill you"  
When I turned around I saw Paddy standing there with the biggest question mark glued to his expression, I walked passed him without a word, but he knew what this was about. He knew about Daisy.

-"What the hell?" Franklin asked when we were outside the house, he had grabbed my purse and jacket on the way out, the hot summer heath made me question why I even bother bringing a jacket, I slammed my stuff on the hood of our car.  
-"It's nothing"  
-"That did not look like nothing, you where ready to kill that guy and you threatened him"  
-"I am sorry, okay, I am so sorry, I even wanted to come back to this piece of shit town"  
Franklin looked like he wanted to walk away, I came a little closer to him, trying to calm myself down,  
-"I am sorry, please, let's just go home" I tried to hug him, but he backed away.  
-"No, you know what, not until I get an explanation"  
I took a deep breath, -"He said something that upset me, and I flipped"  
-"You flipped? What did he say to you?"  
-"He called you some bad things, claiming we didn't fit together" I lied, and I put it on the list of things I regret for this night.  
-"Who cares what he thinks; I can't believe you flipped over something so simple, Jesse, what the hell is wrong with you?" Franklin finally gave in, holding me; I took another deep breath, trying to put Tommy out of my mind.  
-"I just love you so much, Franklin"  
-"I love you too, baby, but please, don't go all Rambo on people for not liking our relationship, especially not for such unimportant people like this friend of yours"  
-"He's not my friend"  
-"Not after tonight he isn't" Franklin laughed and cupped my face in his hands, then he kissed me.


	2. Chapter 2

A week, that's how long I managed to avoid Tommy, it was a great week, only two more weeks to go and I would be back in New York again. The next upcoming Friday I was in the market with Franklin, he wanted to do some shopping for his party, it was just a simple thing where we invited some of his work colleagues here in Pittsburgh. I had even made me a calendar counting up the days until we left this shithole of a town, and marked the 24th of July with a huge heart. New York had no idea how much I missed it.  
With my hand under Franklin's arm we strolled down the aisle of fruit and vegetables, he was going on about how we needed something easy to make because I couldn't cook for shit, and I laughed. It reminded me why I fell for him in the first place, us being like this together. Just while everything was calm and nice, I saw a shadow at the end of the aisle that looked terribly familiar, and a pair of high heels clicking this way. –"You have got to be kidding me" I said under my breath, it was Tommy, with Sarah, Sarah Donovan, my old friend from high school.

Franklin turned his head in the direction I was looking, -"Who is that?"  
-"Nobody" I smiled picking up a salad head, -"What do you think of a chicken salad, I always made a mean chicken salad"  
-"Oh my god, Jesse, is that you" I heard a screeching sound of my former friend, I knew I was fucked.  
-"Oh my god, it is you" I turned to her smiling as nicely as I would let myself; she embraced me, with Tommy standing behind her smiling at me. I bit my teeth together, passing him an angry glance.  
-"You look great, Jesus Christ, you even lost all of that baby weight, so quickly"  
Franklin looked at me confused, all I wanted to do was just grab him and make a run for it, but we were stuck with the town's biggest blabber mouth and my worst nightmare, on the vegetable aisle in a mini market. It was the story of my life.

-"Baby weight?" Franklin laughed discreetly, looking at me still, waiting for an explanation. I didn't know how I would lie my way out of this one.  
-"Who is this handsome devil?" Sarah smiled, looking at my confused Franklin.  
-"Franklin, this is Sarah Donovan, Sarah, my fiancé, Franklin Olson"  
-"You got engaged, that is so great, congratulations" She hugged me again, I hated this woman!  
-"Yeah, thank you" I said uncomfortable.  
-"Me and Tommy where just shopping for his dad, I am looking after him this weekend"  
-"Looking after him?" I asked, -"You a nurse?"  
-"Yes, I took my degree a couple of years ago after dad died, so now I am taking care of Paddy"  
A small green giant grew in me when I heard that, I was usually the one taking care of Paddy when I came to visit, now she was taking care of him, -"That's great" I lied, still faking that smile.  
-"I know, he's an amazing old man"  
-"Not by popular demand" Tommy commented.

Out of nowhere Franklin put his hand out between me and Sarah, aiming it for Tommy:  
-"Franklin Olson, we never really got properly introduced"  
-"Yeah, I know, Tommy Conlon" Tommy didn't shake his hand, just nodded his head, -"Jess, here talked about you all day long, she can't shut up about you"

I just kept my cool, counting to ten in my head, smiling nervously, -"Really, she did" Franklin put his hand around my waist; I saw the expression in Tommy's face change to something not so calm and collected.  
-"Yeah, she really loves you, man"  
-"That's the way I wanna keep it" Franklin kissed my head, Tommy just smiled, pulling at Sarah's arm,  
-"Come on, pops is waiting for us"

-"Yeah, he probably is, it was so nice to see you again" Sarah hugged me for the third time, -"And you too Franklin, you both should come for dinner at my place once, me and Tommy make a great dinner together"  
-"Oh, you two together?" I asked, Tommy nodded his head, -"A three weeks now"  
I kept my cool once more, even if I wanted to murder them both, he was just trying to get to me, I knew he was, but I would be damned to let that show, so I just smiled,

-"That's so great, we will be sure to come for dinner one night"  
-"Oh my god, how about tomorrow night, its Saturday, we can watch the Mets game"  
I felt like I had stepped in the biggest fucking shit in the world,

-"Yeah, why not, me and Franklin have nothing better to do"  
-"Yes we do, we have that dinner with my friends remember?" he said inpatient,

-"You guys can come, you are more than welcome, it's tonight, then we can make the Mets another day"

-"Oh, that's lovely, we would love to, isn't that right, Tommy?"  
-"Nothing else I would rather do" he said grabbing her by the waist, leading her infront of him, passing me a look that made me sick to my stomach. I didn't need any sexual gestures of them displayed, in front of me.

-"Calm down you crazy guy" she giggled.  
–"See you guys tonight then"  
-"Eight a clock" I smiled back.  
When I couldn't see them anymore, I let the act go, -"What the fuck" I breathed.  
-"My reaction exactly, you want those two at my party, with my investors?"  
-"I am sorry, baby, it just came over me" I said kissing his lips.  
-"It came over you? To invite that gorilla and his girlfriend to my important business party"

-"Don't call him that" I pushed the grocery cart on.  
He was pissed the whole car ride home and when we made dinner, he even rejected my kisses. We didn't speak for hours, and the only time he said anything was to comment on my shoes not matching my black dress. I took the silent treatment and tried my best not to piss him off anymore, so I took my make-up bag to the other side of the hall, taking out a tube of lipstick, putting it on my lips, not paying much attention to the world around me.  
Until I felt a pair of hands on shoulders, gliding down, first I thought it was Franklin who had come to his senses. But I knew it wasn't him because his hands weren't so rough, it was Tommy, I turned around, and there he stood, the lipstick I was putting on slid all over the side of my mouth, I stood there gaping like a fish.

–"What the fuck are you doing here?" I hissed.  
He started laughing, -"Thought we would have a quickie in the closet like we used to, what do you say Jess" My mind was spinning, and that's when I heard Franklin's voice piercing through this illusion. He was the one holding me  
. –"Jesse? What the hell are you doing?"  
I looked at him, then at my hands, they were on his butt, I removed them, and turned around, my make-up bag was untouched, and I hadn't put any make-up on my face. I must have lost my train of thought. –"Hurry, get ready, they will be here in minutes"

I was losing my mind, for sure, the longer I stayed in this town, with Tommy around me. When we welcomed the guests I hoped it wasn't Tommy and Sarah each time the bell rang, and like hoped, they didn't show. I actually managed to relax and enjoy myself, but not for long, Franklin left my side and I forgot where he went off to, cause I was talking to his boss's wife, and when he came back, he came back with Tommy and Sarah, they where both dressed up real nice. Tommy in a casual suit and Sarah in a light summer dress, she hugged me again and Tommy just smiled at me, he managed to get a hug out of me as well and kissed my cheek. He smelled of cologne and whiskey, no surprise that the whiskey was on his breath.  
–"You look beautiful" he whispered in the back of my neck, I felt his hand on my left hip, before he removed it when Franklin returned.

Like glue on paper I stuck to Franklin all night, trying to distract myself from Tommy, Sarah followed him around like a dog all night, surprisingly enough they got along great with Franklin's tight up friends. Tommy even made his boss laugh a couple of times through the night. I just watched him, he was charismatic when he wanted something, and I could see he really tried to be on his best behavior, I didn't know if it was cause of Sarah or just to get on my good side. Either way I was pleased and a little buzzed. Franklin kept on reprimanding me for drinking too much, but it was the only way I could keep my cool around Tommy. I poured me another glass of champagne, when Tommy put the bottle down for me, -"I think your husband might be a little pissed off enough as it is, you might wanna lay down on the drinking, Jess" We both looked at Franklin who was trying to hold a conversation with an old man and his wife, but constantly kept looking this way.  
-"It's never good enough for him is it" I said putting the champagne glass down, I felt a little dizzy, Tommy supported me, -"Come on, let's get some fresh air" he said guiding me out on the porch.  
It was a nice hot night, I took my high heels off, throwing them over the edge of the porch, -"I fucking hate his stupid choices in shoes" Tommy laughed, still holding me around my hips.  
-"Let's sit down" And we did, we sat down on the steps to the garden, I took a deep breath, as he went to fetch my shoes back again, putting them on the steps. –"You are like a dog" I said giggling out of control. –"And you are a drunk bitch, now breath in the air"

I inhaled and exhaled a couple of times, the buzz was still there, like some uncontrollable side of me wanting to come out, I didn't care about anything, I just wanted to take my clothes off and jump around the grass.  
Tommy looked at me, -"You could never hold your liquor, at least that never changed"  
-"Oh, please, just cause I am not an alcoholic like you doesn't mean I am a light weight, I kicked ass in college" It hit me what I had just said and I felt stupid, Tommy just gave off a light laugh, -"I bet you where"  
-"I am sorry, I didn't mean it to come out that way"  
-"It's okay, I handle my liquor though, you see I can walk"  
-"I can fucking walk" I said standing up, then feeling my legs wobble, I fell in Tommy's lap, trying to get back up again, but his hands wouldn't let me. They were placed steady the sides of my thighs, with his fingers digging into them, I felt his look focusing on my lips.  
He was so big in comparison to me, I fit into his lap, his look wandered up my face, and so did his hands up my body, -"You better get off me this time" he whispered, I felt hypnotized almost, wanting to kiss him so badly, -"Why?"  
-"Cause your husband might wanna kill me if I kiss you in his backyard"

I moved my head closer to him aiming my lips to his, and like an alarm going off in my head I saw Daisy's little face, the flashbacks came back. And I violently pushed him away from me, falling out of his lap. –"Jesus Christ, Jesse" he said standing up, -"You okay?"  
-"Don't touch me" I said getting on my feet, brushing grass off my dress, and walked passed him, grabbing my shoes, it was safe to say that the buzz was gone, I was awakened, rudely.  
-"Is it so bad being close to me?" he said after me, I didn't turn around, just stopped in my track,  
-"Just please stay away from me"  
-"I can't, you know I can't" his footsteps followed up the stairs; I felt his frame against my back.  
-"I love you, and I know you love me back, I can feel it in my gut"  
-"You are wrong, I love Franklin"  
-"Why do you want to hurt yourself like this, Jess? By lying to yourself and to me, I know you love me, and that man inside you claim to love, you are just hurting him even more like this, cause even he knows you belong with me" his hand found its way to mine, it was so difficult to move away from him, all I wanted to do was to turn around and kiss him. But I knew that I couldn't.  
-"I don't love you, Tommy" my eyes filled up with tears.

-"Yes you do, but why do you lie?"  
-"I can't do this with you right now, I just can't" my body tried to move, but he had placed the other hand around my waistline, pushing me against him.  
-"Please, stop doing this to me"  
-"You are doing this to yourself, you know I want you"  
-"Then why be such a fucking dick to me for these past weeks"  
-"You told me to go back to my same old asshole self, didn't you? I gave you a reason to hate me, so you could move on, but I feel you Jesse, it's like you are linked to me and I won't do it anymore, I won't give you a reason to hate me"

I was crying, fully and utterly crying and hoping that he wouldn't turn me around to face him,  
-"I already hate you"  
-"For what happened to Daisy?"  
-"You weren't here, Tommy, when she was sick and when" I stopped in the sentence, catching my breath, -"When I had to bury, our baby"  
-"I know you can't forgive me for that, but just give me a chance"  
-"I can't, all I see when I am close to you is her face, playing over and over again, she looked so much like you" I was now sobbing completely, Tommy's arms embraced me.

I leaned the back of my head on his chest, just breathing, finally stopping my crying,

-"I am sorry, I really am, I was a stupid kid, I regretted not taking you with me when me and ma went away, but I knew Daisy would be in better hands with you, I didn't want her to grow up around someone like me, her seeing me be like, pops"

-"You are nothing like your father used to be, Tommy, you might be an asshole at times, but you are not as cruel as Paddy was, you never hurt me like he hurt your mother" I braiding my fingers in his.  
-"I feel like I am becoming him slowly sometimes, and you keep me from that, you help me, like Tess helped Brandon, I never had what they had, I needed to take care of Ma, but I knew it was a big mistake leaving you, and when Brandon called me telling me that Daisy was dead, I knew you wouldn't ever want to see me again, and I just wanted to die"

I pushed myself a little away from him, turning around to hug him properly; I had been waiting thirteen years for this very moment, just to breathe him in, just to feel his arms around my body, like I had dreamt over and over again when he was gone. He held me tightly, squeezed me like he had never held me before, I put my face into his upper shoulder, turning to his neck, my fingers dug into his shoulders, I could feel the muscles under his jacket tighten.  
-"God, I missed the smell of you" he said into my neck, I felt his lips touching my naked skin, and his breath, I swallowed the lump in my throat, his hands covered my back, they where rough to the touch, like I had dreamt, the same way, a fighters hands.

-"You better go in first" I said to him, when I moved away from him,

-"I don't want Franklin to see me like this" Tommy looked a little confused at me,

-"After all of this, you are actually staying with him?"  
-"I love him, Tommy"  
He grunted a curse word I couldn't hear, and headed inside, I knew I had hurt his feelings at this point, I looked at my reflection in window, drying off the mascara that had continued to run, I had been doing a lot of lying and crying these past weeks.


	3. Chapter 3

Anger consumed every inch of my body as I was driving home from the gym, questioning, why the hell did I go to see Tommy fight?

The funny thing was that I didn't even get to watch him, I ran out of there immediately after I hearing him say those things about what he had done with Sarah. And how nonchalantly he had made it all seem, like he was playing a game or something.  
Driving as fast as the speed limit would let me; I raced back to my house, parked outside and ran in. This was going to be the end; I was determined to leave for New York, today. I didn't even want to wait for Franklin to come home from his meeting!

Forcing my kea into the lock and stepping in, a head popped out, it was Nola's, I looked at her surprised, while shutting the door after me.  
-"Nola, what are you doing here?"  
-"Auntie Constantine, let me in" she smiled grabbing my hand, my mother; I should have fucking known she was up to something. In the kitchen she stood with my stepdad Reginald.

-"What's going on, ma?" I asked her while picking Nola up and buckling her onto my hip, -"Hi, honey" Reginald came over and hugged me, I hugged him back.  
-"You not working?"  
I shook my head, trying not to let the anger on my face overwhelm me by the simple thought of Tommy's laughter and disgusting words, still playing in the back of my mind.

-"Paddy and Tommy are coming over for a family dinner, tonight" my mom smiled, while putting her cigarette out in my sink.  
Nola started giggling, -"You look scared, Jesse"  
I put her down in front of me, then followed my mother as she was making the table,  
-"You invited, Paddy AND Tommy, what are you up to!?" I chased her around the table as she was setting the knives and forks next to the plates.

She wasn't answering me, it made me even more nervous, I hated my mother enough as it was, having dinner with her was the worst, but her inviting Tommy after what I had seen: was like putting salt in an open wound.  
-"Is it to hurt me, mother!?" my voice sharpened, she finally looked up smiling,  
-"Don't flatter yourself, girl, we are just having a normal family dinner, Tommy wants to introduce his new girlfriend to us"  
-"Oh, I bet he does" I mumbled under my breath, mom kept her eyes on me then shook her head, -"It's been years, upon years, Jesse, it's time to let the past be the past, Paddy and Tommy are family"  
-"Daisy is dead, I don't see how Tommy is family anymore"

I turned my back to her, to leave, I was abandoning my own house for this woman, she had forced my hand, my direction turned to the stairs.  
-"She was his kid too, and you know damn well, that Tommy was family way before you two ever decided to create me a grandchild"

-"You're a fucking traitor, mother, you always have been and you always will be" I hissed at her, while continuing up the stairs, the quicker I got up these stairs, the quicker I could leave this house.  
I heard my mother yelling at the bottom: -"Jesse Mae, you better be changing for dinner, I expect manners when I'm in this house"  
-"Oh, fuck you" I screamed, slamming my bedroom door as hard as I could, then sitting down on the bed, wanting to scream so badly, but I knew I couldn't.

After a short shower and some fresh clothes, I had come to my senses; I would show Tommy how little I cared for his and Sarah's relationship. So I did what my mother asked, put my hair up in a bun, got my nicest shirt out, looking as proper and put together as possible.

Downstairs, dinner was served, and my mother was still smoking like a chimney with Nola on her lap, -"Now, that's much better" she commented as I walked passed her, I shook my head and went for the kitchen, to help Reginald place the rest of the food.

-"I don't know how you keep up with her" I said to him, he just smiled a kind smile and kissing me on my forehead;  
-"She's the queen of my heart" We both looked over at my mother who was teasing Nola.

-"Yeah, she's a real queen" I added walking after him, then the door rang, and I knew this would be the most agonizing night so far.  
I took Nola's hand sitting her down around the table, while my mom went to the door with Reginald, the laughter and nice comments made me think that my mother really missed Paddy's company.

-"There she is" Paddy said, bending his knee down to catch a hug from Nola, who ran like her butt was on fire into his arms.  
–"Uncle Pat!"

Right behind him like the tale of a white shark came Tommy, with Sarah attached to his arm, seeing them was like seeing a perfect picture: Sarah looking like Virgin Mary and Tommy, a typical man's man. She would be shocked if she found out what I knew.

-"Jesse" she smiled, hugging me like always, I actually felt so sorry for her, I didn't even hate the girl anymore. I hugged her back, Tommy tried to hug me after her, but I rejected him, which took him back a little.

Everyone sat down at the table, starting with prayers first, we all joined hands, lucky for me I was sitting right between my parents.  
-"Dear god, bless us for this wonderful meal we are about to receive" I stopped my mother in the middle of her sentence: -"And give us strength to forgive the assholes that try and ruin us"  
-"Amen" Reginald stated after us, looking at Nola who was as confused as everyone else at what was going on.  
-"Don't speak like that around your cousin" my mother said, and passing me the potatoes and so the meal started. Tommy tried to gain some eye contact with me through the entire thing; I on the other hand shot him down each time. And after a while I felt a hand on my knee, our dinner table was a rather small, but I never thought he could reach that far.

-"Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom" I said, standing up, taking myself to the toilet downstairs, he was unbelievable.  
I looked in the mirror, -"You can do this" I kept repeating, -"You will not explode or slap him again, for Franklin's sake."  
Then I heard a tap on the door, -"You okay?" it was Tommy, that fucking ass,  
-"Yes, I'm fine, thank you, go away"

His voice sounded concerned, -"You sure"  
I opened the door violently, grabbing the front of his shirt and pulling him into the small bathroom with me, not remembering how small the bathroom was.  
Tommy looked at me with a grin, -"I guess you are okay"  
-"Oh, don't give me that shit, you prick" I tried keeping my voice down, but I was so pissed off, that my entire plan of me keeping cool was going down the shitter, figuratively speaking.

-"What is wrong with you?" he responded to my angry tone and insult,  
-"Don't fucking play that innocent crap Tommy, I heard you, bragging today in the gym, when I went to see how you were doing after our night!" I stopped, the words I wanted to backup that sentence with wouldn't leave my mouth. I was disgusted to even talk about what I had heard.

-"What?" he said coming closer, so close that I could observe his lips,  
-"You know what!"  
-"No, seriously I don't, if you have something to say, say it"  
He put his arms on each sides of the sink, pushing my back into it, trapping me between him and the sink.  
The words felt like needles coming out of my mouth, but I knew I had to say them:  
-"You called Sarah" I paused, biting my teeth together, mustering up enough guts to say it.  
-"Prime pussy"

Tommy just grinned and gave off a short laugh,  
-"That was totally worth it, you still blush at big bad words like that, huh"  
-"You're an asshole" I said trying to get him to back off me, by pushing my hands onto his chest, he didn't even budge, I knew I was strong, but he had grown bigger, so it was pointless.

-"You jealous maybe?" he asked, while I was trying to push his grip away from the sink, to get past him, -"I know you mentioned me to" I hissed hitting his upper arm.  
-"It was just locker talk, I didn't mean a word"  
I looked him in eye, they were understanding, maybe even honest,  
-"You said you wanted" I paused again, feeling myself redden.  
-"Bend you over and fuck you sore, how old are you twelve? It was a joke" He said going back to his coy smile.

-"I have a fiancé, what if someone told him that?"  
-"I don't think that's why you're worried about this, Jesse"  
-"Oh really" I said, I actually interested in his theory, what kind of bullshit would come out of his mouth this time.  
-"Yeah, I think you are jealous, maybe not intentionally, but that anger inside you comes from something totally different then me saying I wanted you in the worst way"  
I sneered, -"Maybe you are the twelve year old here"  
-"Fine enough, then tell me I'm wrong, you're not jealous and it doesn't upset you that I'm sleeping with Sarah?"

Those words where the hardest to hear, him actually admitting to have been sleeping with her: -"When did you sleep with her?  
-"That is above the point, tell me you aren't jealous"  
-"Let me leave" I said pushing him away, feeling the tears collecting themselves in my eyes again, -"Get off me"  
-"No" he said calmly.  
-"You son of a bitch" I hissed gritting my teeth, not saying another word.  
-"You want me to take her and leave?" he asked, I didn't know how to respond, I didn't want him to leave.  
-"No" I replied and swallowed the knot in my throat, Tommy put his hands on my arms, one touch, -"I'm sorry"  
-"You slept with her" I wasn't making eye contact when stating this; it made me too ashamed, but more than that it bothered me.  
-"It's good you moved on"  
-"You don't hate me, do you?" he asked when I opened the door, I looked over at him as coldhearted as I felt, -"No, I feel nothing for you"

Sitting back at the table again, nobody noticed that I had been gone, they where all too busy talking about Paddy's glory days and how much fun they all had in their youth.  
I just sat there looking at them; feeling like I wanted to ball my eyes out.  
Tommy came back after a little while sitting down across me, giving off a gentle smile as he passed me a final glace


	4. Chapter 4

It made me sick to my stomach most times I saw Tommy with Sarah, and they were everywhere, I mean EVERYWHERE me and Franklin went.  
Thank god, these where the last days before we returned to New York.  
To my own surprise Paddy needed help at the gym and with my boxing background I thought I would train some of the kids whose parents worked out there.  
With Nola above my hip I carried her into the gym with me; Tommy was in the ring with this taller, dark skinned guy who looked like he was getting the shit beat out of him.

Nola rested her little head on my shoulder, she was tired after being in kindergarten all day long, her mother, my aunt wanted to get some work done so I said I would pick her up and watch her.

-"You hungry?" I asked her when I putting down on the bench, she was looking over at Tommy who was eyeing me between his punches, I could feel his look burning a hole in my back.

-"Why is Tommy hurting that man?"  
-"It's called martial arts" I smiled and took her shoes off, one at a time; she was waving her feet about so it took my full concentration off her questions.  
-"Here you go" I gave her half an apple out of her lunch box.

Nola nodded her head still infatuated with watching Tommy, I stroked her head and smiled, she was such an obedient child, so unlike my aunt Erin.  
I sat back up on the bench next to her, taking my shoes off too, the kids I was suppose to train weren't here yet, so I just kept busy with Nola's hair. It was a complete mess, after she had let one of her kindergarten friends tie it up in bow. Nola had thick dark blond hair, which so curly it almost made me give up controlling it.

I had completely not noticed a man standing in front of me; he was looking at both of us, Nola was just staring up at him with an open mouth.  
-"Is she yours?" he asked, I didn't really know how to answer, so I just ignored him, there were some strange men in this gym and I knew that by previous experiences.

-"Yes" Nola answered for me –"She's old"  
I couldn't help, but let out a small laugh, the guy kneeled before her, -"I used to be as small as you when I came to this gym with my ma too"  
-"Tommy" Nola's eyes widened before jumping off the bench and making a run for Tommy who was standing behind the guy, Tommy picked her up,  
-"Don't do that, you're all sweaty and she's clean" I said walking up to him, taking her out of his arms.

-"Saul" Tommy said to the guy that we had just talked to, -"You have nice family, Tommy" the guy responded, I was about to correct him, but he wandered off before I had a chance to.

-"Who was that?" I asked trying to hold Nola up, she was squirming, asking to be held by Tommy, he put his hands out, dragging her out of mine; it looked so effortless the way he held her.

-"He's just a guy I met a long time ago"  
-"Here"  
-"No"  
He didn't even bother explaining to be further what that meant, Nola interrupted my train of thought, -"Look, Jesse it's your name" she pointed at Tommy's chest.

He smiled, making me feel horrible for the way I had treated him when he was so sweet to Nola, -"She would have been like our Daisy" he said to me while she was looking over his shoulder at his other tattoos.  
-"Yeah, but Daisy would have been 14, not 6"

-"I know" he stoked Nola's back, -"Just thinking how nice it would have been to see her be Nola's age"  
I had to catch myself from the sadness that was growing inside me by the very thought of Daisy. –"Come on, honey, let's go play"  
-"You mind if I do that, play with her" Tommy said not letting me take Nola from him, I looked at him suspicious, it was baffling to me that he wanted to spend time with her.

-"Alright, but keep her away from the other guys, she's small, they might hurt her"  
-"Tommy's big" Nola said stretching her hands out, I smiled, -"Yes, he is, so you better watch out or he might eat you"  
-"I love it when you talk dirty" he whispered grinning at me, I hit him over the shoulder, shaking my head. He wasn't getting to me this time, not by a long shot!

The kids I was suppose to train came with Paddy, most of them where really good at boxing already, so they knew the basics. I paired most of them up two by two, just to see them sparring. It reminded me of what my dad and Paddy used to do with me and Tommy, I would always be able to kick Tommy's ass when we where sparring. But the older he got, the stronger he grew and in the end he was the one pinning me down to the mats.

Occasionally I would glance over at Tommy and Nola; he was in the ring with her, running after her, showing her how to hold her fists up.  
I even heard him call her sweetheart and telling the guys that asked if it was his kid, that she was and I was sure he wanted her to be, just for pretend at least.  
Tommy always wanted a perfect family of his own, seeing that his family was so dysfunctional.

Nola would scream and laugh when he picked her up and hung her over his shoulder, I couldn't help myself from smile.  
–"You eying my son again, brings back memories" I heard Paddy behind me, I looked at him, -"Go back to your office, old man"

-"He talks about you still, those pictures in his wallet of him and you, also of Daisy"  
-"What?"  
Paddy just smiled, leaving me to mine, it made me think, I couldn't understand why Tommy would carry our pictures in his wallet, I had to check this for myself.

When I saw that nobody was looking, I snuck back to the locker rooms, I recognized Tommy's locker, he still used his old one, I guess it was nostalgic to him.  
I opened the locker, it didn't have a combination, and they wouldn't have it in this gym, for safety reasons. I dug in his jacket; his wallet wasn't there, then in his pants: nothing!  
I opened his backpack and there is was, a brown leather wallet, inside I found exactly what Paddy was talking about, me and Tommy's old state championship picture, of him holding a prize medal in one hand and me under his arm, smiling! He won first place that night, he was the youngest in his team.

On the other side, Daisy, her first picture when she was born, with her hands nuzzled up to her nose and her eyes closed. She looked like any other baby, sleeping peacefully. I took it out, both of the pictures; I didn't know why I did it. It just pained me seeing them, knowing Tommy had them. I put shoved the pictures in my back pocket quickly, and then walked back to the training area.

After a couple of hours of training the kids, we called it a night, the gym was closing too and it was getting late. Nola was falling asleep in Tommy's arms on the drive home; we didn't speak. Tommy just looking down at Nola as she was sleeping then turned to look at the road.

-"I might want kids one day" he suddenly said.  
-"Yeah, well, Sarah would be a great mom" I commented back, he looked at me, not saying anything again, -"Would you want kids?"  
-"If you asked me three years ago, I would have said no"  
-"Why three years ago?"

-"Because it was before I met Franklin"  
Tommy nodded his head, looking back out the window.  
–"You love him a lot, don't you?"  
-"Yes" Saying that sentence made me almost feel like I was betraying my own nature, but in a way I wanted to hurt Tommy by saying it, just to see if it had any effects on him. Which it didn't, he just continued to smile and looked down at Nola.

Parking outside my mother's house, I walked out, opening the passenger seat door, Tommy handed me Nola very carefully, and then he stepped out of the car himself.  
-"I can give you a lift back home if you want?" I offered.  
-"No, its fine, I need to have a night walk anyways"  
-"Okay, thank you for being with her today"  
-"I liked it, she's a great kid" he said touching her leg.

We parted ways; Tommy pulled his hoodie over his head and left me standing there, looking how at his back moved as he walked away into the night.  
Suddenly I felt the urge to just put Nola down and run after him, to feel his muscled back against my front, my arms around his waistline and the words: Don't leave me, to escape my lips.  
I took a deep breath, letting the idea pass out of my body, watching Nola's peaceful little face sleeping, while taking a step up the porch stairs, mumbling to her:  
-"Let's get you to bed, honey"


	5. Chapter 5

"Wide eyed, still awake, let's have some fun, if I am discovered at your place,_ all bets are off" – Margot and the nuclear so and sos's, Freakflight speed_

The next day I couldn't stop feeling guilty about taking the pictures from Tommy's wallet, it distracted me from my work, duties and packing up my stuff to leave for New York. Franklin was thankfully in a better mood these days; he was excited about going back home again, after getting this promotion he hoped for.

I was hopeful that I would lose my guilt as time passed, but by nine o clock that hot summer night I was laying awake looking up at the ceiling with Franklin next to me snoring like nobody's business.

So I grabbed my jeans, got dressed in the hallway, and walked out, I needed to give Tommy his pictures back in order to rid myself of this. Walking in the direction of his house it was a fifteen minute walk tops, my lung where filled with the summer heath.  
When I got to Paddy's porch I walked quietly up the steps. The plan was to leave the pictures in the mail slot, I didn't have the balls to give them to him personally and I didn't want any confrontations, since I was leaving very soon.

Also I wanted to leave on a good note with the Conlon's this time.  
When I bended to the side to slip the pictures through the slot I heard voices shouting, there was arguing, it seemed to be Paddy and Tommy.  
I put my ear to the slot, listening in, not meaning too, but I was curious.  
-"You took my pictures old man didn't you?"  
-"Tommy, for Pete's sake, I am not a thief"

-"Did you tell her then, about the pictures, about me?"  
The shouting stopped for a moment, I moved myself a little closer to the window by the door, just peeking in, Tommy was pointing his finger in Paddy's face and his expression was ruthless.

-"Like you ever cared if I was exposed, you would like it wouldn't you, if I went to prison"

-"Don't be rash, I haven't told anyone anything, Tommy, why would I, I love you, you are my son"

-"Save that bullshit for people that want to hear it pap"

-"Why do you even carry the pictures around if you?"  
Tommy stares him down for a moment, cocking his look directly at him,  
-"Fuck sakes old man, save it, go back to your bible studies, maybe Jesus can teach you how to look at yourself in the mirror"

Paddy sat down in his chair, he looked defeated, and all I wanted to do was storm in and beg Tommy to stop, but I couldn't do that without getting caught.  
-"No good comeback line?"  
-"What's gonna happen when she finds out then Tommy, when Jesse finds out about what happened in Iraq, what happened to Jack, or what about Pillar, the fight in Vegas, or that you might be going to jail for a very long time?"

-"She won't find out, she's leaving for New York"  
-"And you can stand that, letting her leave, get married to another man and have his children"  
-"What do you want from me, a full lived confession? I'm not that deep pop, it's clear to say that you won't become a saint over night and I won't go back to the man I used to be"  
-"At least I try" Paddy said, standing up, walking passed Tommy,  
-"You are gonna die trying, old man"  
-"More than you ever did, Tommy"

Tommy shoulders tensed up, he grabbed Paddy and out of pure instinct I felt I needed to stop them, I wasn't sure the door was even unlocked, but I twisted the handle, and barged in.

-"Stop I" I shouted, getting between Tommy and Paddy, -"Please, Tommy, he's sick, don't do this"  
-"What the hell are you doing here?" Tommy hissed releasing Paddy, who sat back down in the chair, not looking so good, I kneeled down next to him,  
-"You alright, old man?"  
Paddy nodded his head while he was leaned over, -"Are you crazy, what if you killed him?" I yelled at Tommy, who had his fists clenched.  
-"You gonna beat me now?"

-"Get out" Tommy said licking his lips with this dead expression on his face,  
-"No" I yelled, standing up, -"If you wanna fight someone, you fight me, not a sick old man"  
Tommy walked straight up to me, looking me dead in the eye, he was breathing heavily, looking if I was bluffing, -"I am not scared of you" I said.  
Then he grabbed a hold of my arm, dragging me out of the house with full force on my arm, Paddy stood up again, pleading for him to let me be.

-"Goddamn it, Tommy" he shouted as Tommy slammed the door behind us, we where outside, back in the summer heat.  
-"Leave" he pointed out in the air.  
-"I am not leaving Paddy when you are this angry"  
-"How much of the conversation did you hear?" Tommy's face was tense when he asked me, like he was scared.

-"Just the raucous of you grabbing him" I lied, how did I teach myself to be such a fucking liar, I would never know, but it's like he knew.  
-"I'm gonna ask you again, Jess and you better be honest, how much did you hear?"  
-"Or what?"  
He looked away for a second, and then grabbed me by my shoulders, scaring me and hurting me at the same time, I won't lie, I was terrified.

-"Then hit me" I put my face up in his, -"Hit me"  
-"Go!" He hissed.  
I looked away, I couldn't give him the pictures in this condition, I was too scared,  
His nose twitched a little as he was squeezing my arms, while staring me down, it hurt like hell, but I didn't flinch, his face softened when he realized how close I was to him.

-"You're in the wrong place at the wrong time, kid" he whispered, I looked up at him, his eyes where glass like, I wonder if he was going to cry.  
He made a quite grunt when he stepped away from me, the release from my arms made me grateful, it really hurt, I didn't know if he knew his own strength.

-"Jess, you need to go back home now" he mumbled, while stepping inside again, slamming the door as hard as he could in my face.

I took the pictures out of my back pocket, sliding them into the mail slot, like I had planned to do before this fiasco happened.  
Then I turned around to leave, feeling like someone watched me, not hearing anything more from the house. I headed home, walking with my bare feet down the street, the concrete was still hot, it wasn't unbearable, but comfortable.

I took a couple of deep breaths as I turned the corner, thinking about how Paddy was doing, hoping he was okay. Then from the corner of my eye, I saw a shadow running towards me, it gave me a strange feeling, like this person was running to me.  
Out of the dark I saw who it was, it was Tommy, I was afraid that he was still as pissed at me for stealing the pictures. And that sudden fear for my own safety overwhelmed me, so I ran; I ran from him down the street, turning my head at some points, he was still chasing me.

My heart was pounding, the panic arose in me, he wouldn't hurt me, I was sure of it, or I hoped that he wouldn't, but after his violent display tonight I didn't know anymore.  
Lost in the panic and my own thoughts I didn't see the gravel spread all over the road I was running towards, and as stupid as I was not wearing shoes, I fell knees first into it, grabbing my knee, seeing Tommy running faster to me.

-"Fuck" I breathed, getting up, halting away, I was terrified, close to fucking tears, when he grabbed me around my waist. I screamed as loud as I could, his hand placed itself over my mouth, surrounding my screams.

-"Shh, it's me Tommy"  
-"I know" I mumbled behind his hand, he looked a little surprised, letting his hand off my mouth, turning me around.  
-"You actually ran from me, knowing it was me?"  
-"You fucking psychopathic bastard" I hissed pushing myself away from him, halting away.  
-"Stop, you are hurt" he walked a couple big steps, reaching up to me, grabbing my hand, -"I'm sorry I scared you"  
-"Come on" he picked me up, bridal style.  
-"What did you even want?" I asked him while he was carrying me back to Paddy's house.  
-"It can wait" he said, I held onto his neck, looking at his profile as we were getting closer to Paddy's house.

Paddy wasn't there when we came back, Tommy carried me up the stairs and to his bedroom, putting me down on the bed, -"I'll go see if I can find the first aid kit"

It had been a couple of years since last I was in his bedroom, it hadn't changed much, except for the medal's that where hanging on his walls weren't there anymore and his MMA poster from 95 was half torn down.  
He came back with a little white box, sat himself down next to me, grabbed me by my leg, pulled it up on his lap, I leaned back into the wall looking at my torn jeans, and my bleeding knee.

His hands went to the top of my jeans and his fingers laced themselves around the button of my jeans, -"What the fuck are you doing" I responded backing myself up against the wall.

-"Shut up" he said and pulled me by my thighs back down again, unbuttoning my pants, pulling down my zipper, then dragging them off me gently, one leg at the time, dropping them down on the floor.  
I felt exposed, my purple panties where showing, I tried covering them with my hand, Tommy didn't seemed bothered at all, he was too busy cleaning out my wounded knee.

Without words, he cleaned the wound, pressing a clean pad on it, and then bandaged it. Putting his hands on the inner side of my thigh, as he held my leg up rolling the bandages, I felt slightly uncomfortable, getting goosebumps from his warm hands.

When he finished they rested on my thigh and kneecap a little while he looked at my leg, observing further damages I guess, than he moved his hand up my thigh.  
-"You feel any pain if I touch here" he gave off a strong grab, I reacted a little, but just out of the shock of him touching me, -"No"

Then he moved to the other side of my thigh, closer to my underwear, I observed his face, still as cold as before, -"How about here?"  
-"No"  
-"Good, I'll just put this icepack on your leg, you need to rest it"  
-"Thanks" I said as he looked at me, the silence of us staring at each other made me feel awkward, like I was waiting for him to say or do something, his hands where still on my thigh, and I felt his thumb making circles around the inner part of my thigh.

His body just pounced at me, I didn't know what to do with myself as he parted my legs and lay between them, his body pressed itself into mine, his full weight was overwhelming, but it felt like something I needed.

He made a pause between us, with his lips so close to mine I felt them brushing onto mine, without a word he kissed me, slowly and innocent like he was afraid of breaking me.  
-"I can't stay away from you anymore" he whispered after the kiss, and it didn't feel claustrophobic, I didn't see Daisy's face anymore, it felt right, like I was supposed to be doing this.

I leaned back in, gently attaching my lips to his, and it's like the whole world around me fell away, all I felt was Tommy, his hands, his body, his soft lips responding to my kisses. I felt at peace.

My mind was lost in the moment, his hands roamed down my hips, twirling his fingers around my panties pulling them back down my thighs as his lips where fully connected with mine. My body moved with his as he slipped them off, then he fell back on top of me.  
I could feel his sweatpants between my legs, he pulled them down, his chest breathing heavily against mine, my top was still on my body and so was his t-shirt.

He paused for a moment, almost contemplating what to do, standing up a little dragged his shirt over his head throwing it carelessly across the room, then moving his hands under my top and upwards my stomach. Until he reached my breasts, holding his hands there for a moment as he kissed me with more force this time.

Without hesitation, he pulled my top and bra right off, like he was in a hurry.  
I was completely naked now; he was hovering over me casting a glance over my nude body, like he hadn't seen anything like it before.  
It didn't last long until I felt completely embarrassed and tried to cover my breasts with my hands, -"No, don't do that" He said leaning over me with one hand supporting his weight over me, and the other removing my hands that where covering my breasts.  
I lay there half naked underneath his heated body, feeling his skin against mine.  
His hands where roaming all over me, up my knees down my thighs, to my torso, against my breasts, his kissing became rougher, he pushed his way into me, slowly, like he didn't want to hurt me with the weight of his body.  
I gasped, not leaving his eyes. He moved both of his hands to my hipbones, settling me into the bed, to control the trusts. His breathing grazed my shoulder; I tried not to moan as I held onto his triceps, digging my fingers into his skin, breathing just as heavily as him.  
I felt Tommy shivering on top of me, with words muttering from his wet lips and flustered face: -"Say you love me"

The thrust following those words made a moan escape from my lips, I felt the flood of emotions I knew would be followed by an orgasm just settle in my abdomen.

-"Say it" he trusted harder, deeper, as his palms on my hips became unsettled on their grip of me, he was falling apart, slowly, I felt him trying to meet my eyes again, as our lips touched each other barely: gasping quietly.

The weight of him felt painful now, it was bruising my inner thighs, but I didn't care,  
-"Jesus Christ" I gasped as the wave passed over my body, Tommy slowed down, his thrust where more powerful pushes, like he was trying to sweep over me, making love to me with his entire being. –"I love you" he moaned quietly with his eyes hooded, pushing his forehead against mine.  
He came apart between my legs, tensing up under my fingertips, it was one of those moments I couldn't believe where happening, how frail and delicate he was.

He didn't move, just rested his head on my shoulder, his body relaxing into mine, that combination of heath and confusion clouded my mind, I could have tried harder to stop this, instead I had just let it happen. I had sex with Tommy, probably the best sex I have had in a while, Franklin, Jesus, he would never have me back now. I was tainted with Tommy's fingerprints, sweat and words.

Tommy turned on his back, laying there with his arms open and his chest waiting for me to invade it, and I did, I put my head on where his heart was, his arms gently laying on me as he stroke my back and my played with my hair.  
I lay there staring into his bathroom door, we didn't speak, there was no need. His body was warm, and I could hear his heart beat, one tap at the time, steady.


	6. Chapter 6

"…_this part was for her, does she remember, it comes and goes in waves, I'm only left to wonder why…I try…" - Greg Laswell, comes and goes_

Waking up in Tommy's arms I thought of my possible excuses, because I knew Franklin would leave me. After this, I knew he would, I had slept with Tommy, he would never understand this. With my head lying above Tommy's exposed shoulder I soaked up his warm skin against my body, he was always so warm. When he slept he had this certain calmness about him which I felt like I needed to interrupt in order for him to move his heavy arm off my back.

My index glided over his chest tattoo, where my name was engraved on him, he didn't even flinch or move.  
For some reason I didn't want him to wake him, just so I could watch him rest, feel his chest moving up and down in his sleep, I never thought I would feel so close to a person. I never felt this closeness with anyone else, I tried with Franklin, but he wasn't build like Tommy. There weren't enough emotions in Franklin to let me in completely.  
I knew this was as close as I would ever get to be with Tommy, lying naked on his chest, watching him sleep, nuzzling my nose into his neck. Feeling and smelling his skin, his muscles tensed up underneath me, I felt him waking up, and he was, his eyes opened, and he turned to where I had my nose pushed up against his neck.

-"You looking for a second round?" he smiled as I felt what was between us, he was hard, I didn't notice it before now, it pushed up against my inner thigh. Uncomfortable I tried not to notice, I don't know why it made me feel so embarrassed.

-"No" I said retrieving my hand to myself, but he grabbed it, pushing my palm against his chest, -"Don't stop, it feels nice" he murmured half asleep, with his eyes shut again.

-"I should go" I said trying to get up, his eyes opened fully, his forehead frowned, like he was surprised I even suggested something like that.  
-"You going back to him after all" he stopped, biting his bottom lip in clear frustration, I tried saying something, but he cut me off.

-"No, just go, go back to your husband"  
The room suddenly felt smaller than it already was, Tommy leaned himself against the wall behind him, hiking his legs up so I could pass.

I felt his angry stare all over my body while I got dressed, if looks could kill, he would have murdered me.  
-"Do me favor" he said when I was pulling my top over my head, peeking from it. -"What?"

-"Don't come back here, if you are still with him, I can't stand this shit anymore, Jess"  
I almost started laughing, was he kidding, -"You have Sarah, how are you giving me this lecture?"  
-"I don't love Sarah, the way I love you" he looked angrier now, like those words upset him even more. It was a hard confession to hear.  
-"You might learn to love her even more"  
-"Not while I still have you in my head"  
I didn't know what to say after that, in a way it made me feel better knowing how much he needed me, but it was selfish of me to think in such a way.

-"You really are a whore" Tommy muttered.  
-"Don't you fucking dare" I put my finger up at him.  
-"Just go!" he said, walking off, I was mad now, the anger pulsed through my head, I put my hand on his back giving him a pained push.  
-"I fucking hate you"  
-"Yeah, I know" he added, not turning around, -"You made that clear last night"  
-"Because I didn't tell you that I loved you while you where deep inside me, moaning, holding onto dear life"

He turned -"Why do you have to be so fucking cruel"  
-"Oh, so you can deal the truth, but you can't handle it, I got it. You are so head over heels in love with me that nothing you say or do can be seen as wrong, all you do is amazing, I get it Tommy" I said in the most sarcastically matter I could make it into.

-"I do love you, I have loved you for the past twenty years, before everything else ruined us"  
-"Before our daughter died, you mean, before you left me to escape your father, before you ran off to join the marines. That's what you mean, or when I had troubles just waking up in the morning not hating myself and wishing you would come back to help me" I shouted the last words, looking away a little, collecting myself, he didn't say anything.

-"You don't love me Tommy, you are in love with who I was, not with who I am, I stopped believing you would ever show up on my doorstep. I stopped trying to get saved and I started saving myself, I met an amazing guy, I got a career, I moved away, I grew up and I guess I did a shit job at all of it, cause here I am back with you again"

-"Maybe your right, you should go back to Franklin" his face was stone cold, Tommy was back to being that asshole I hated again, so I picked up my shoes, my jeans where still torn and bloody when I slipped them on, and marched right passed him, not looking back. The tears flooded to my eyes as I stormed out of the back door to his house, afraid I might catch Paddy's eye if I went out the front door. It was humiliating walking passed people teary eyed, crying, it was mid morning and I knew Franklin would be up, I could smell it by the bacon sizzling as I walked through the kitchen on my way to the bathroom.  
-"Jesse, Jesus Christ, what happened?"  
I didn't respond, instead I locked myself in the bathroom, tried to dry up my tears with some toilet paper, then washed my face out, Franklin didn't deserve me, I was a horrible person for what I had done.  
-"Jesse, you alright?" I heard him from behind the door, quickly I took off my jeans, and put on my pajama bottoms that where handing on the shower, the bandaged wound on my leg was a reminder, something I needed to hide.  
I opened the door with a smile, -"yeah, I'm fine"  
He inspected my face, -"You looked rather upset walking in, has something happened at your Aunts house?"  
-"My Aunts house?" I was confused, Franklin nodded his head, -"I called early this morning when I woke up, noticing you weren't there, your mom said that you where at your Aunts house looking after Nola, because your Aunt was needed at her office"  
My mother had lied for me, great, I was making my family lie for me, the guilt was unbearable, but I played along, it wasn't long we would be back in New York again, and all of this would be in the past.  
-"No, I'm just tired, Nola is a hyper little girl" I lied, as he kissed me on the side of my head, I wondered if he could smell Tommy on me, so I moved away a little, -"I'm going for a shower"  
-"That's great, babe, I'll have some breakfast ready for you" Franklin smiled and walked back to making us breakfast.

I must have showered twice, scrubbing every inch of my body until my skin felt raw; I couldn't handle this, and all I felt was Tommy. When I got out of the shower, I took the bandage off my wound; it looked well already, so threw it in the garbage, hiding it under the other trash in the trash bin in the bathroom.  
Looking at my naked body in the mirror, I noticed a bite mark on my shoulder, Jesus fucking Christ, how did I not feel that, Tommy must have bitten me, I put on the shower robe, then went to my bedroom, finding the longest shirt I could, buttoning it all up, it was a hot day just like yesterday, but I figured I deserved to sweat a little after what I had done.  
Finding a new pair of jeans, thinking on how I would hide the ones I had fallen in, they were still in the bathroom downstairs, but I had hidden them behind the towels. Going downstairs, Franklin was sitting at the table eating his breakfast, reading the newspaper. –"Sit down" he smiled, I looked over at how nicely he had made my breakfast.  
Eggs, bacon, toast, juice, coffee, he even carved out a grapefruit for me, the guilt was back, I needed to put it in the back of my mind, and I tried when I sat down pretending that everything was just as it was yesterday between us: perfect!  
-"This looks amazing, honey"  
-"Anything for you" he smiled before putting his teeth into some toast, I tried to eat, but I felt sick, so I forced as much as I could down my throat.  
Chewing, he looked at me surprised, -"Wow you must have been hungry, good we are going to your mother's for dinner tonight"  
The food almost jammed itself stuck in my throat when he said that, I swallowed forcefully, -"What, dinner at my ma's, when?"  
-"Oh, she asked this morning when I called about you, a farewell dinner, I think she's really trying you know, to be part of your life"

I was stunned, but I knew better then Franklin, my mother had an agenda to everything she did, and this was far from a farewell dinner to me and Franklin.  
-"Did she say who would be there?"  
-"Yeah, us, Paddy, your stepdad and you're giant of a friend Tommy" after Franklin said that he looked at me, maybe for me to correct his cruel remark thrown Tommy's way, I didn't respond, just drank some of my juice.  
I couldn't even recommend ditching it that would sound suspicious, what I needed to do was to trap my mother in a closet and not let her out until me and Franklin where safe out of Pittsburgh.

After breakfast I continued to pack my stuff down, it wasn't much, just two small suitcases, it made me feel a little better knowing that we would be out of here soon. Franklin was packing his stuff down too, he seemed a little sad doing it, -"You alright, babe?" I asked glancing over at him, he nodded his head, -"A little, I kinda enjoyed being with your family you know, made me miss mine"  
I went over to him and hugged him from behind, -"We can go visit your mom at the old folks home when we get back to New York"  
He nodded his head, putting the item of clothing he was holding down in his suitcase. The packing went quick, and when we finished I felt relieved and hopeful that I could do this, I could go to this dinner with my mother, and everything would be alright, we would leave tomorrow and our lives would finally be perfect again.

Before we left for my ma's house, Franklin picked up a bouquet of flowers for her, I had tried to dress enough to cover the marks on my body that where now popping up, I had bruised between my thighs, my hips and that fucking bite mark Tommy had left on my shoulder. And in 300 degrees I felt like I was going to boil up and die in the jeans and flannel shirt I was wearing.  
Hooked under Franklin's arm, he knocked on my mother's door, and right away someone opened, like they were expecting us, my stomach dropped to my ass and I felt sick again. My mom smiled her biggest smile, yep, I was fucked and she must have known everything.  
Franklin walked in first, me following, my mom hugged him, I hugged Reginald, who seemed a bit worried, just like me. Then we switched, my mother hugged me, the only time she ever did this was either when someone had died or when she felt sorry for me, this was bad, this was really bad, I thought as she looked at me, -"Oh, honey, come on" she pulled at me, I looked over at Franklin who was laughing talking with Reginald.

Inside the living room all hell was waiting, Tommy was sitting on Reginald's old lean chair, Paddy and Sarah on the sofa, Paddy stood up right away slowly, hugging me, I looked over at Tommy, wondering why the hell he brought Sarah with him.  
She hugged me too, smiling, I wanted to throw up, and instead I faked a smile.  
Tommy stood up too, I walked over to him, put my arms around his torso, he hugged, the sadness in his eyes was combined with anger, like I had betrayed him.  
He had some god damn nerve making me feel like I owed him something, I smiled back, letting go, -"Dinner is served, everyone" my mother said cheerfully, it was so disturbing how happy she was.  
We all sat down, me next to Franklin, it felt reassuring having him there, now all I had to do was eat, small talk, and leave.  
Reginald took a seat on my other side; his worries hadn't seemed to slip from his expression, my mother smiled again, when everyone sat down, putting her glass up.

-"Cheers everyone" I drank off my glass, following everyone else,  
-"To good heath" Reginald added.  
-"And to Sarah's wonderful baby" the bomb had dropped, my mother smiled, she was looking at me with a look that showed empathy, her words echoed in my ears, and I looked over at Tommy who was staring at Paddy.  
Sarah just laughed a little, I noticed she wasn't drinking the champagne, she was drinking juice, that's when I felt the breakfast from earlier forcing itself up from my stomach to my throat, the acid of food and the taste of bacon and eggs where strong.  
-"Excuse me" I jumped out of my seat, holding my hand infront of my mouth, making a desperate run for the bathroom, hearing Franklin shouting at me asking me if I was alright. I reached the toilet bowl, and like water the vomit spewed out of me, tears pushing at my eyes clouding my sight. I leaned my head on the toilet seat, spitting into the bowel, when I heard my mother's voice.  
-"Oh honey" she closed the door after her, opening the foist, letting the water flow, as she put a towel under it, soaking it, then kneeling down before me, putting it to my forehead.  
-"You made a right mess out of it" her voice was calm, as my eyes where teary, I wanted to cry at the sounding familiarity of it, she hadn't sounded this loving since my father's funeral.  
-"Come on" my mother's hands on my shoulders, guiding me up from the floor and closed the toilet bowl, flushing the toilet, sitting me on it. She kneeled again, wiping my face with the cold cloth, than glided it over my hands,  
-"You knew" I mumbled  
-"Of course I knew?"  
-"Why didn't you tell me?" I hissed under my breath, pulling my hands away from her, shooting a glance at her, my mother's face was the face of a monster I had hated for years.

She didn't answer, just huffed a little as she sat up on the edge of the tub, looking at me, I felt like I was 15 again, getting caught for sneaking out, except for it was Paddy that lectured me, my mother was too busy to care.  
-"Sarah is two months pregnant, she will make a nice wife for Tommy, you go back to New York, to your architect job and get married, do it for your dad"  
I looked up at her angry, I was furious that she would even mention him.  
-"Do it for dad? Really ma, amazing you even remember who he is"  
Again she didn't answer back, she was calm and collected, standing up, going for the door, -"I'll tell them you had a bit too much to drink yesterday, when you babysat with me"  
-"What about Bryce, ma? Should I do it for her too?"  
My mother sighed, as she rested her hand on the door frame, not looking at me, I knew I was hitting below the belt mentioning my sister.  
-"I did what I had to do, Jesse, Bryce understands that"  
-"You kicked her out" I yelled at her, -"You kicked her out and now where is my sister, ma?"  
My tears where rolling, I was crying at full effect, and I wasn't slowing down when the hulking sat in; -"You pushed her out of this house, when we needed her the most, now you fucking dare mention dad to me"  
-"Your sister's drug problem, started way before I told her to leave, and you know that" her voice was strict when she responded, -"I kicked her out for your own good, she wouldn't listen to me, all she wanted to do was get high and sleep around, with these disgusting people"  
I chuckled, sarcastically, -"No wonder I am so fucked up, look who I had for a role model, my sister was the only normal one out of all of us"  
-"You cant blame the whole world on me, child, I didn't make her take those drugs"  
-"No, but you where the catalyst weren't you, the reason I got pregnant, the reason my sister used drugs, you should have been the one to die, not dad!"  
The room felt cold after I said those words, my mother stepped out, closing the door after her, without as much as a comeback line.  
I washed my face, doing as she told, walking up the back of the kitchen and passed my sister's old room, opening the door slightly, letting that familiar scent of vanilla and old books hit my nostrils. It had been ages since I had stepped into her room and I can still hear her words screaming at me to get out. I smiled to myself, letting the sadness take over, as I sat down on her bed, she was there through the entire thing, Daisy's birth, my dad's death, my mother's meltdown and Tommy leaving me, but when push came to shove I wasn't there for her to notice the drugs, and when she left that one morning, only leaving a note I knew I had failed her.  
I walked out of the room, turning off the lights, passing one last glance over the flower patterned wallpaper and closing the door.

Behind me I felt a warm body, hands on my shoulders, it was familiar, I knew who it was, -"You alright?" the dark rumble of the voice was specific.  
-"Yeah, I'm fine, congratulations" I said, still not turning around, I didn't want to let him catch me crying like this.  
-"When did you find out?" I asked, his hands left my shoulders, it made me miss them there, -"A couple of weeks ago"  
I smiled down, looking at my shoes, I was wondering if the ground underneath me could just do me the favor and swallow me whole at this moment.  
-"You knew before we slept together, that's why you and Paddy where arguing, not about the photo, but about Sarah's pregnancy"  
-"I thought you didn't hear anything of our conversation?" Tommy's voice went from sympathetic to suspicious; I took a deep breath, turning to him, letting him see me in my sadness. It took him back a little that I was crying.  
-"I guess I am not the only liar then"  
My body moved away from him, but he wasn't ready to let me go, he grabbed a hand around my arm, holding me in place, our eyes caught together, staring at one and other.  
-"I'm sorry" he sounded desperate, which made me even sadder, I pushed my arm out of his grip, -"Yeah, me too"  
Then I walked away from him, leaving him still standing in the middle of our hallway, I went back to the table where everyone was eating quietly like they knew what was going on and didn't want to disturb the balance.  
I sat down next to Franklin, to my seat, smiled over at him forcing myself to be happy, he saw and smiled back.  
-"Congratulations, Sarah, I'm sorry, I just been feeling a bit out of the weather these days, I'm really happy for you and Tommy" I glanced over at her, she smiled cautiously back at me.  
The truth had to come out, was all I thought when I was eating my dinner, stabbing the vegetables with my fork, listening in on Paddy talking to Reginald about the Sparta compotation that Tommy was about to enter, was when it would all end.


	7. Chapter 7

Franklin had slept in longer then he should, so I had to order the cab and put our bags downstairs, give him the opportunity to sleep in longer.  
Driving away from our rented house, I couldn't help but look back at it; almost hoping never to come back again, it had given me grief to be back home, even if I liked seeing Paddy and Nola again. It was time to go.

Back in New York again, things went to their normal course, Franklin went back to work and so did I, not really what I wanted to do so quickly after going back, but they needed me.  
There was a TV in my office, playing in the background while I was drawing the new Carnell building on fifth, for a business firm.  
_Here we have the heavy weight champion Brandon Conlon, winning a fight against his brother Tommy Riordan.  
_I turned my head over looking at Tommy beaten up and bruised, it made me twitch a little, before turning off the TV, not until my assistant ran into my office looking like she had just seen a ghost.

-"Jesse" she said, when a tall build man, walked right passed her, I looked at her and then over at the man I had just seen on TV, he walked over to my desk, pulling me off my feet and just as his lips touched mine, I woke up.  
I woke up in bed next to Franklin, looking around our bedroom, we where home in New York again, and the dreams about Tommy still weren't giving up.

It had been weeks now last I saw him, he was living with Sarah, from what my mother told me, Sarah's stomach had grown and Tommy had lost the Sparta competition but, with Brendan's support, still trying to make good for this baby they were having. I woke up, letting the cold heat of our air condition hit my face, I stumbled carefully into the bathroom, turning on the lights, my hair had grown to my shoulders now and I had colored it back to my natural hair color, for our wedding. Which was happening in a month before Christmas.  
New York was still hot as hell, during these September weeks, my hair stuck to my face, as I washed it, feeling Tommy's lips on my bare shoulders, it was driving me crazy. I hadn't spoken to him since my mother's failure of a dinner, and still I couldn't get him out of my head, even after the pregnancy announcement. I needed to beat this into my thick scull.  
-"He's having a baby with Sarah" I said looking in the mirror, not being able to look at myself once the words left my lips, tears formed in my eyes, I looked back up again, -"He's having a baby with Sarah, not you, now snap out of it, you stupid bitch" The tears stained my cheeks, I dried them off real quickly, before taking a deep breath, -"He's having a baby with Sarah, not you"  
This I kept repeating in my head until I returned to a sleeping Franklin, he was snoozing away, as I put my lips to his sweaty forehead, then dragged the duvet off him a little so that he wouldn't be so hot.

I watched him as he slept, leaning my head to the headboard of the bed, kept thinking how I couldn't even touch him after being with Tommy, my bruises of that night we spend in his room where gone, but I couldn't touch Franklin, I just couldn't. We had tried, but then I just backed away or told him I didn't feel well, he had ordered me a doctor appointment, and the doctor had said I was suffering from anxiety, he gave me some Xanex.  
The pills didn't help with my sleeping, because I knew what was wrong with me, I just didn't have anyone to tell it too, and the person I wanted was having a child with someone else. I had to put myself together.  
Waking up that morning, I was running on low sleep, pouring myself a double espresso with the coffee machine Franklin had bought when he traveled to Italy. The coffee helped, it did miracles, alongside with the layer of concealer under my eyes to hide the blue shadows that had formed there from the sleepless nights. I had taken up smoking as well, and some afternoon drinking, which had turned to before afternoon drinking. With a sip of brandy in my coffee and my outfit and make-up done I slipped out to work.  
My office was a beautiful place, I enjoyed being there, it had my sketches of the Carnell office building hanging in the middle of my idea board, I had finished that building a week ago, but still I couldn't let it go, it haunted me.  
-"Jesse, a Brendan Conlon is here to see you" I jumped at my assistance voice, and turned to look at her confused, -"Did you just say Brendan Conlon?"  
-"Yes, do you want me to tell him you're not here?"  
I shook my head, -"No, no, let him in"  
And just as I had ordered, a couple of minutes later there he was, the big brother of the man I had learned to try and hate, they both shared the same eye color and smile, compliments from their mother.  
-"Jesse!" he put his arms out, and I went for it, hugging him, it felt like I was hugging Tommy, so I jerked back a little, looking him dead in the eye:  
-"What are you doing here?"  
-"I can't come visit my little sister?" he joked, that was Brendan, the man had a heart as big as the moon, he always took care of me when we were younger, defending me and Bryce in the playground.  
-"You look like shit" he laughed, when I sat down by my desk, offering him a seat, he sat down across me, -"Yeah, my job takes its tole" I lied.  
-"How is everything, how's Tess, the kids?" I asked, trying to change the subject, -"They are great, the money helped, we are visiting her ma here in New York, thought I would you know stop by, see how you were doing, but I see you made it good for yourself, Jess" Brendan smiled, I returned the same gesture, looking around my office, taking a big breath.  
-"So, when is the wedding" his smiled turned into a grin, -"We are expanding our families you know, Tommy waiting for his baby girl to drop now you need to give us a play buddy"  
I felt my stomach drop, -"They know the sex of the baby?"  
-"Yeah, it's gonna be a girl, from what the doctors can tell, but who knows it might be a boy" Brendan laughed, until he saw my face, I had tears in my eyes, with good reason, he had forgotten.  
-"Oh Jesus, I'm a fucking idiot" he moved up from his chair a little, sitting on the edge, touching his hand on the brink of my desk, -"I'm sorry, I forgot completely about Daisy"  
I put my hand up, swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded my head, -"It's alright, I bet she will be beautiful, like her mother"  
-"I'm so sorry" Brendan was giving me sympathy now, pitying me almost and I understood why, they saw it, all of them, the broken hearted woman I had painted on my face, which no amount of caffeine or make-up could hide.  
Like clockwork, my assistant: Mary jumped in from the door, looking at both of us: -"Don't mean to disturb, but your five o clock came early, and they want to talk about roof options"  
Brendan got up from his seat, -"I should go, I just wanted to see you, Jess, it was really good to see you"  
I stood up, hugging him again, escorting him out the door, I watched him walking away, seeing Tommy in his step and it hit me like a bus.  
My assistant stared at me the entire time, -"I need a moment, Mary, give me two minutes then send them to my office"  
She nodded her head, and gave me the same look Brendan had give, the sympathy, like I was s fucking charity case.  
I searched my desk for the pills my doctor had given me, it said on the bottle to take one each day, but I had dropped a couple of days, so I took two, swallowing them down with my coffee, I had to take the edge off, this pain was too real, it hurt, and I was to numb to cry.

All the way through my meeting I kept spacing out, blaming it on my insomnia, which the Smith's understood because they apparently had a daughter that suffered from the same thing. I went off work earlier, stopping by a store, picking up a bottle of whiskey, when I got home I kicked off my shoes, put the bottle on the counter, looking at it, last time I drank like this was when I lost Daisy, I was drugged and drunk out of my mind for months after her death.  
I felt weak, when I forced the bottle open, filled my glass up with some ice, drowned the ice in the alcohol, then downed the whole thing, pouring me another one, dropping my body on the sofa.  
A couple of hours passed and I had fallen asleep, the thing that awoke me was the phone, I waved my hand around to find it, pushing the answer dial without looking at who it was, my hair was all over the place, my make-up smeared all of the pillow I had drooled on, I sat up, -"Hello?"  
The voice didn't answer, I just heard breathing, heavy breathing I hadn't heard in a while, I knew who it was.  
-"Tommy?" my voice broke, I put my hand infront of my mouth, trying to stop myself from sobbing, -"No, dear, it's Reginald"  
-"What's wrong?" I asked him, hearing his sad voice; it wasn't good news when he called me up like this. –"Honey, are you sitting down?"  
-"Yes, what is it? You are scaring me" my eyes where wide open now as I stared at my reflection in our flat screen TV.  
-"I don't know how to tell you this, but I wanted to tell you before you found out any other way: Tommy is getting married"  
I became quite, I couldn't deal with this, but I pulled my shit together, swallowed the spit and holding the tears back, -"Oh, that's great, why wouldn't it be?"  
-"Sweetheart, we know, all of us know, you sure you wanna do this, if you love him, its not too late"  
I chuckled a little, to let him know that he was being ridiculous, he saw my bluff though, letting me have this one, -"You are being silly, Reginald, did my ma set you up to this, that woman does anything for a good show"  
-"They are getting married in New York"

I didn't know how to respond to that one, I had no witty remarks, not that I had them to begin with, I could fake my joy for only so long, and Reginald had caught me. –"Alright, when?"  
-"Tomorrow, they want to do it as soon as possible, before the child comes, I think his brother Brendan is there as his best man"  
I hung up, not saying much else to him, dialing Paddy's number now in total fury, I couldn't believe this was happening, in my town of all places, if he had married her in Pittsburgh, I could have understood, but New York was my ground.  
-"Paddy" I said when someone picked up, -"No" the deep rumble of a familiar voice sounded, it was Tommy, -"You getting married I hear" I dropped the bomb right on him, I wasn't wasting any more time, since he wasn't either.  
-"Yeah, we are leaving tonight"  
-"Thanks for the invitation" I said standing up, pacing back and forth behind the sofa, -"And thanks for the surprise visit from Brendan, you could have come yourself, couldn't you?"  
-"I just wanted to know if you where okay, I didn't want to upset you"  
Now I was laughing, out of the nonsense coming out of his mouth, -"Upset me, you already done that a long time ago Tommy, where is my wedding invitation?"  
He grunted in the phone, not responding, I rolled my eyes, hitting my hand on the side of my thigh, -"Oh you told her, you fucking tool, didn't you?"  
-"She's having my kid, Jess, I had to be honest"  
-"Oh I know she's having your kid, EVERYONE KNOWS SHES HAVING YOUR FUCKING CHILD, THOMAS!" I screamed now at him, kicking the back of the sofa with my foot, -"EVERYONE knows, my assistant, my fiancée, my mother, Reginald, Paddy, your brother, I even think the goddamn mailman knows, they all seem to pity me too, but now I know why, because you told your wife to be that we fucked, that's great, now what am I going to do when MY fiancée figures it out, are you really that fucking selfish?"  
-"We didn't fuck" he sounded angry, not saying the words too loud,  
-"Yes, we fucked, it was a one night stand, that didn't mean a goddamn thing, and now you are going to ruin my life with this miserable, meaningless action" I yelled at him again, I could hear him shifting the phone away from his ear, cursing something I couldn't catch.  
-"You stupid man" I hissed, when he put the phone back to his ear,  
-"It meant something, Jess, to me at least"  
I was already hopeless, broken, and his words didn't help, I felt like crying, I felt like wrapping my arms around him, digging my face into his neck and breathing him in, but he wasn't mine, I kept reminding myself of that, the harsh reality of what I had done, was coming back to bite me in the ass.  
-"It didn't mean shit, Tommy, it was a mistake"  
-"It was a fucking revelation, we made love" he said the last words under his breath, I knew he was bending his pride by muttering them.  
-"You wanna explain that to my husband?" I said coldly, he didn't respond.  
-"It means nothing now Tommy, your having a family and I am trying to have one with Franklin"  
-"Your trying for a kid" he sounded surprised, I felt in his voice that he was hurt, -"Yeah" I lied, just to see how far I could hurt him and God forgive me that's all I wanted to do, for him to feel how he had hurt me.  
-"After our Daisy, you want to try and have a child?"  
-"It didn't stop you, Tommy, why should it me?"  
His breathing became heavy; I could sense the jealousy, -"If that's what you want"  
-"Yeah, it is, I want a kid, I want to get married and I want to have a perfect life, with Franklin, so stop getting our dirty laundry aired out like you are doing, or I wont get to have that, got it?"  
-"My wedding is at St. Paul's, at five o clock, you can bring your…Franklin" he said, before hanging up.


	8. Chapter 8

"_Yeah, I've seen loneliness  
She wrapped me up with such tenderness  
And I've seen happiness  
She came round here yesterday in a bright blue dress"_  
- Three Tree Town, Ben Howard

Arriving at the church with Franklin by my side, I was already regretting this, pondering if I could just turn around, make a run for it. Too late, my mother had already spotted me and looked at me as if I was a ghost.  
-"What the hell are you doing here?" she whisked me away from Franklin's arm, pushing me before him and into the church.  
-"I was invited?"  
-"By who?" she finally released me when we were in the hallway of the church,  
-"Tommy!"  
-"Tommy invited you, to his wedding, before he told his wife that you two had sex? Do you want the woman to go into premature labor?"

Again my mother was trying to save someone that wasn't me, not surprising at all, but I understood that she was right, so I walked passed her:  
-"We'll leave"  
Before I got to step over the church threshold, I saw the pregnant Sarah, her stomach showing and that glow on her face, with Tommy walking right behind her, with Brendan and Paddy.  
I looked at Tommy, he still had some bruises on his face from the fight I guessed, strangely I hadn't noticed any on Brendan's, he smiled at me, looked at me confused, with his wife Tess and kids.  
The whole fucking family was invited, Franklin was standing behind the church doors when I walked over to him,  
-"We're leaving" I whispered as I hooked my arm under his, going for the church steps.  
Sarah looked at me, with a discontent face, she wasn't happy I was here, so I trusted that my mother was right, she was right about some strange girl I once hated in high school, that now would be the wife of a man I used to love.  
This was a horrible mistake, my anger had taken over, I saw that now, I had no business going to this wedding.  
I looked away from her and followed Franklin as he walked,  
-"Where are you going?" Tommy asked after me when we were at the last step, Sarah sent him a surprised look, -"You said you wanted to be here, why are you leaving?"  
-"This was my mistake, we are clearly not wanted here" I said looking over my shoulder, -"I want you here" Tommy said after me, -"And your husband"  
-"Jesus Christ" I heard my mother mutter and she helped Sarah inside, she was clearly getting upset, and in her state it wasn't a good sign.  
Franklin smiled for the first time at Tommy, putting his hand out,  
-"Congratulations" Tommy shook his hand, then looked over at me with a look that almost made me want to cry, he was trying to accept this situation, just as much as I was trying to.  
Inside the church, me and Franklin sat at the fifth row, waiting for the ceremony to begin, he was actually going through with this was all I could think of when I looked up at Tommy standing at the altar.  
His eyes didn't leave mine, only took small breaks so that Franklin didn't catch on, he was too busy talking with my mother who was sitting right next to him.

He seemed less nervous when I smiled at him, he was handsome in the suit he was wearing, looking like a man, with his hair swiped back and a black tie.  
The music started and out came the bride, walking by herself; both of Sarah's parents were gone, only some of her family was there to attend.  
As she walked I saw the bump on the front of her dress, it had grown big, it would be a girl, Tommy looked at me, then over at her, seeing the pain in my eyes. I just smiled, fighting the tears, squeezing Franklin's hand.

When she arrived at Tommy's feet, Sarah smiled, all I thought was they would be happy, both of them, again my mother was right. Sarah was the perfect housewife, Paddy loved her, my mother too, even Nola, who was sitting with my mother.  
My tears rolled, calmly down my face, as I felt Franklin's thumb running over my knuckles, in an attempt to show his support, he didn't know, the poor bastard why I was upset. –"That's gonna be us, in a month, babe" he whispered in my ear, smiling before kissing my cheek.  
The pastor read the vows, as Tommy said his "I do's", I couldn't help, but think back, to when we were kids, and Brendan would drive us all out with Tess to the Graveyard mountain, it was a make out spot, we on the other hand used it for a totally different purpose: we parked our cars, and while Tess and Brendan where making out, me and Tommy just lay at the hood of the car, looking up at the sky, usually there were no stars, but Tommy would make them up.

He would point and tell me about them, then he would name some up and swiftly look over at me to catch me laughing, when he thought I didn't notice, but I did, I notice how he observed my profile, how he tried to take a mental picture in his head, like he was trying to save it forever. We were young, and we were free, I didn't need anyone when I had him, he was my rock, the thing I held onto when I felt like drowning. He kept me above water, now he wouldn't anymore, now he had a family and we weren't the same people we used to be.

My tears fell, as I swallowed the lump in my throat, ripping myself away from the moment I had created in my head, smiling at Franklin as he squeezed my hand. My mother glanced over at me, she knew I was fighting the urge to run out of here, so she reached a hand over to me, putting it on top of mine and Franklin's joined hands, nodding her head.

I looked over at her, she never understood me, but she got me when it came to Tommy, her hand backed away when I smiled gently, glancing up at Tommy waiting for Sarah to say her "I do's".

And she did, the words brought me to my knees, I bit my tongue, they kissed, and quickly I saw the happiness, something I had never noticed, they were actually a couple before I got it. She had made him happy.  
People clapped, stood up even, when they walked back down the aisle, I just sat there, Franklin was one of those people, Nola grabbed his hand as they ran after the newlyweds.

Franklin loved Nola like she was his own, fuck, Franklin loved my family more than I ever did, I looked over my shoulder, feeling my mother sitting next to me, as I gazed back at my hands, breathing deeply, letting it all just fall apart, she swung an arm around my shoulders, letting me cry.

-"You're doing the right thing, sweetheart" she whispered in my ears, kissing the side of my head as she stroked my back, I had fallen apart, nobody was left in the church as I sat there crying.  
-"He will be happy now, Jess and you will to" my mother said, gently swiping my hair over my shoulder, I looked at her, -"I don't know how to do this, ma"  
-"Like I did, honey, when your dad died, one day at a time!"

I nodded my head taking deep breaths, -"How did you stop loving him?"  
-"I didn't" she smiled carefully, and for the first time in over a decade I saw a tear fall from my mother's stone cold face. I hugged her, crying into her shoulder, she put her hands around my shoulders, pulling me in closer.

-"Don't let him see you like this, your Franklin, come on, look at me" she grabbed my face with her hands, cupping it, wiping tears off with her thumbs.  
-"You remember what I told you, when you where sad as a child?"  
I nodded my head, letting out a short laugh, smiling at the idea of how I saw my mother; she used to be the person I came to with everything.  
-"If you aint bleeding, missing a limb, those tears are wasted" I repeated, she nodded her head, lifting my face up a little, -"You are beautiful, you are my beautiful baby girl, now let's go and get a drink"


End file.
